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How to smuggle new bike gear past your significant other

Posted: 29th December 2009 | Source: Eddie Allen

With Christmas over and done-with you've probably resigned yourself to the fact that you're not going to get any nice, shiny bike-related surprises, and the socks, the jumper and the novelty key-ring that you got are your actual presents.

So it's time to get online or down to your local bike shop and hoover up some winter sale bargains - and there are loads out there. Big reductions can be had on bikes and kit this time of year, as retailers desperately try to clear 2009 stock ahead of the new season. If you're not fussed about having the latest season's gear, you can grab some great bargains.

However, your only problem is getting your purchases past your home's resident ‘revenue protector' - better known as your girlfriend / boyfriend / husband / wife / life partner. Good news is that there are three time-honoured techniques for getting your shiny new kit past domestic customs and into your cycling arsenal.

#1 - Colour camouflage

If your bike could do with an upgrade, go for it - provided you upgrade to a bike with the same basic shape and colour. Don't, whatever you do, make the rookie error of replacing your black frame with a bright red one - your frivolousness will be spotted a country mile away.

The same technique can be applied to cycle-clothing - another good reason, aside from that of taste and decency, to apply the Henry Ford principle and always buy black bib shorts, then you can upgrade your bog-basic shorts to Assos or Rapha and only a practiced eye can tell the difference.

#2 Caesar's Axe

If the colour coordinated approach doesn't cut it for you, try the Caesar's Axe approach - that is, the gradual replacement of all of the parts on your bike until none of the original is left. As your wheels, brakes, drivetrain, forks, etc wear out, gradually swap them out until you've achieved a gradual, but full, bike upgrade. This stealthy, piecemeal approach has the added bonus of spreading the cost over a longer period, meaning that no large, attention-grabbing debits appear on your bank statement.

An even more cunning approach is to combine strategies 1 and 2 and replace individual parts with similar looking ones - i.e a black Kalloy seatpost looks a lot like a black Thomson Elite, unless your partner is a kit-freak too.

#3 The Tactical Counter-Purchase

If your partner is wise to your cycling-related purchases and is too savvy for strategy 1 or 2, perhaps your best approach is to employ the tactical counter-purchase. Let's say you were about to spend £300 on a new pair of carbon forks, then you get rumbled - you leave the web-browser open on the Wiggle page, the bike shop phones to say your item is in stock and your partner answers. Your only option is to tactically downgrade to a £150 pair of forks and encourage your other half to treat themselves to something of equal value. This way, you ‘kind-of' get what you want, without guilt, the constant threat of discovery and the associated period of redemption.

We hope that one of our tried and tested approaches helps you get what you really wanted for Christmas. And it's not just a tip for Christmas, you can employ these techniques all year around.